Stupid Hurts

It is simply amazing how some of the things I have never said out loud are common knowledge among everyone I know. They all know why I don’t watch certain movies because they remind me of a certain someone. Or why it isn’t a good idea to broach certain topics with me. How certain questions always get quick subject changes or flat out ignored. It is even worse lately with my tell tale twitch that shows when I am agitated. Even people who I have never told the story to, seem to know exactly where my hang ups and issues come from. And it is odd even if they like me or hate me they have all been saying the same thing. Something I have been avoiding for some time now.

They are all suggesting I do something that’s the equivalent of touching a stove to remind myself that it’s hot. The sad part is even though I know it’s a bad idea, I really, really, want to reach out and touch that flickering flame and get scorched again. I guess when you spend everyday trying not to think about someone you are really just thinking about them that much more.

I was told today that I seemed way too efficient for someone who has just gone through as many major events in a short period of time as I have . According to her I should be depressed and crying in a corner somewhere. She said I should not be trying to get furniture for my apartment, out running errands, or helping my friends with their issues. I tried to explain to her that I am extremely depressed, but I need to get stuff done more so than I need to hide in a corner and cry.

But there is my near total lack of catharsis. I don’t have a lot of ways to unwind really. Plus I have only been let out of the house once to see my friends since I have been back in Alabama, and I have been lectured several times for being on the telephone to often even though it is my personal cell phone. I now understand why tigers pace in their cages. I have been reading and doing push-ups to kill the time. I am up to 150+ push-ups for the day.

Fortunately I am a little closer to getting my bicycle back, so then I will be able to get out ride and relax some. Maybe even have some time to myself alone to think and clear my head. My mom also said she will loosen up on the whole “constant supervision thing” once I get my bicycle. She agreed to let me out during the day by myself.