Stupid Hurts

A lot of people who deal with me on a regular basis have pointed out that personality has been in constant flux since I got out the hospital. Since then there have been break downs, panic attacks, and crying fits among other fun things to deal with. Several of my friends told my mom they have never seen me that vulnerable or needy before, and it made them really uncomfortable. What’s worse is several people have decided they like it when I am warm and emotional.

But, recently my normal personality (cold, distant , emotionally unavailable) resurfaced as my memory has been getting better. Arguably that is a good thing. Because now I am mentally stable again, no panic attacks, crying fits, and most of my manic depressive tendencies are gone now. But the people who need some sort of emotional display from me are left in the dark. So now I am left at an impasse. Do I risk my lucidity in an attempt to make someone else happy. Or do I remain distant and mentally stable.

Irony. One of my favorite movies is Memento it is about a guy who can’t form new memories, and can only remember things for five minutes at a time. Since I got out of the hospital last week my memory from the past several years has been thoroughly scrambled. Friends have been nice enough to spark old memories, or tell me of previous exploits. But it kills me how many things that I used to do all the time or how many songs on my computer seem completely new. One of the worst parts is I remember some things, but I am missing details, like names of buildings but not what they look like.

It is taking some getting used to being insane. When my blood sugar is high I am confident to most people I seem fairly normal maybe just a little high strung. It is when I let myself get hungry things get weird. According to my mom I get visibly manic depressive. I feel weird that much is for sure. When my blood sugar drops things just get progressively worse, first I get more and more high strung to the point I start having panic attacks and little things set me off. I usually can recompose myself pretty quickly, I guess years or repressing my feelings as practice helped. If it keeps going I get to the point I can’t talk properly I stutter and what not so I just don’t say much. Then I start to twitch the way someone with schizophrenia does. I also can’t form new memories if the hunger gets to be to much, so I have gotten in the habit of toting a snack bar in my backpack.

On this note Stupidhurts has officially gone active again. Look for more stuff later.