Stupid Hurts

I have basically been home sick for the past four days, that is part of the reason there really hasn’t been much going on in my world or on the site lately. I did make it out to Food not Bombs to help cook and feed people. But most of the nights this week my arms have draped over my toilet while I lamented how much I hate my life. Luckily I feel much better now, and hopefully this will last a while.

One of the more useful things I got done this was to re-write my Tour de Stupidity. I had been putting it off for some time, but honesty it was pretty embarrassing. So I took the time to take care of grammatical errors, make it much clearer, and add pictures.

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My Grandmother is still in denial about my partial amnesia, and I am being stressed out from all sides. This is starting to get a little ridiculous in all honesty. Instead of getting the time I need to deal with my own issues and feelings. I have to bench them and try to be there for everyone else to help them with their issues instead. One of the big ones is the fact my Mom is having to deal with the fact she can’t afford to eat and buy my medicine at the same time. My medicine runs in excess of 200 dollars a WEEK! So we have the option of me risking another seizure and eating. Or me staying not killing over, and going hungry. So soon I need to figure out how to get a job without them find out I am insane, or I need to find a semi-legal way to get funding. Mom has expressed the fact she would rather me not work 1) because she wants me to take time to heal and 2) because of the whole Dr’s orders thing.
But we all know I have never been one to take things lying down very well.

And then there is my Grandmother, her way of dealing with stress is being critical about every small thing. I have been lectured for the way I tie my shoes. She has called from the other side of the house to lecture for leaving a light on. I get lectured on everything everyday. Plus she doesn’t like people to visit her house which means I don’t get to see my friends. That will change once I move out I hope.

Part of my Strength came from the fact I was emotionally unavailable, cold, and distant. I feel like it was a coping reaction. At the end of last year I had lost contact with my family and was basically alone in the world. And at that point I essentially unstoppable ready to tackle anything that anyone could throw at me. I think it was said perfectly in the movie Fight Club. “Once you lose everything, you are free to do anything.” The stress from the past few days had started to drive me back into that shell and a few people have noticed it. I am trying my best to not get cold and unavailable again, but it is impossible to deal with your issues when you have no choice but to help the important people in your life with theirs. They may say they don’t want your help, but as long as they have a problem, I can’t help but to try my best to help. It’s just one of my quirks.

I think I am done ranting for now.