This is basically a recount of some of the highlights from the year I spent working as a cashier in a porn store in Phoenix, Az. Enjoy and be sure to wash your hands.

Porn Stories

You would think working the over night shift in a porn store that I would have a lot more interesting stories. But, all of my shifts were on the slow nights during the week. So aside from the occasional odd sighting like the 6′3″ guy in a teddy and stockings, or having to throw a guy out for touching himself in the butt plug section my nights were shockingly dull.

Now I realize that a lot of the things a I see might make for good reading but don’t register to me as interesting, because it is really really easy to become desensitized to the things going on around you to the point they are no longer shocking, like the “war paint story”.

Let me share my first “War paint story” I actually have more than one.

Our store has what is called a video arcade. The video arcade contains little semi-private booths where you can pay money and watch porn. Unfortunately one of my job duties was to clean these every night (hey the entire job can’t be drunk college girls and vibrators). So one night I was in the back scrubbing the walls when I heard this shuffling sound in the next booth, I peek out into the hallway where I hear the sound again. The booth’s occupied light was not lit so the booth should have been empty, to bad it wasn’t.

When I stuck my head into the booth there was a man on his hands and knees painting his face with semen off the floor like it was war paint. I was still fairly green at this point so and was extremely shocked to see it. It surprised me even more only to find out that other employees have spotted other customers doing it as well.

When you deal with stuff like that on a semi-regular basis. The 80 year old man in stockings doesn’t stand out as much in your mind, but I do miss the Saturday nights, drunk college chicks and, “don’t put that in your mouth!”

On a side note, it is funny how you can see the same people everyday for months, and never ever make eye contact with them. After a while I began to wonder if we really had the most interesting carpet pattern on earth.

White Badges of courage

I love telling this at parties!
This was told to me by a co-worker. Apparently a guy comes in to the porn shop on Sunday mornings, spends about 3 hours in the back sucking random guys off and allowing them to climax on his shirt. Once he is done he then walks over to a nearby grocery store and does his morning shopping with the residue still drying on his shirt and face. He has been spotted by people at the grocery store more than once. I guess we all need hobbies, or just want to show off our trophies. One morning while I was half awake the manager at the grocery store called and chewed me out for not noticing him leaving our store, and called him a health hazard among several other mean and nasty things.

Something in the water, I swear

I have gotten a few emails asking if my parents know what I do. As a matter of fact my mom is the one who suggested I take a job at the porn store in the first place. She thought it would help me be rounded out in life. I love having a supportive parent. I only recently told my dad. He also knows I got fired from tech support for vandalism, that’s a funny story in and of its self.

Speaking of supportive parents, in a magazine interview a porn starlet recounted a conversation with her mom and it went like this. “So if you suck seven guys off at one time, do you get paid more?” She responds “of course:” and her then mom replies, “Well then why the fuck are you only sucking one dick?” Jeez I thought my mom was understanding

And you know truthfully nothing really matches the warm and fuzzy feeling you get from watching a happy couple run home to try out there new sex swing.

The word of the day is scopophilia. Basically scopophillia is a love of looking. Or better yet someone who gets off on watching others have sex or engage in naked activities, I think you have to be at least slightly scopophilic to work in a porn store.

“Having sex in a porn store…that’s original.” sarcastic comment taken from my loving girlfriend shooting down my idea of a fun way to spend the evening.

I made the mistake of pointing out the fact that I had been having a really quiet week and that I have never notice anyone having sex but creepy old men. Since I said that, things have been on a drastic upswing. Not sure if it is something in the water or the fact school at one of the local colleges starts this week.

As a self admitted exhibitionist and occasional voyeur I can understand the inherent thrill of sex in a public place. But why the local porn store? The arcade booths themselves make me slightly uncomfortable. Imagine a dark closet about 3 feet deep and maybe 4 feet wide with two tv monitors to watch porn on and a little Reagan era space program chair to sit in. People go to those booths to masturbate, hook up with strangers, and do other weird things that I find it much easier not to think about.

Lately though it seems the thrill du-jour has been public sex, in the past 2 days I have busted up and thrown out 4 separate couples for having loud sex in my store (including one couple that came back dressed differently and went at it again). It got to the point on one security run when I heard a rhythmic thudding on the wall, since I had already broken the last couple up, I let my co-worker handle this set, apparently when he sticks his head into the booth to break them up, they ask if he would like to lend a helping hand. Not being the participatory type he declined. But did stay to watch for a bit before throwing them out. Apparently they put on a really good show. I hate to think what the ones I don’t notice and bust up are like.

On a side note, apparently during my time off a guys wife followed him to the store, only to find him in an arcade booth with a transsexual masturbating on his chest, I am curious as fuck how he tried to explain that on away. “It’s not what it looks like honey!”

Casual Day had gone waaaay to far

Word “o” the day. Merinthophobia- A fear of being bound or tied up, or the intense feeling of claustrophobia induced by being restrained.

Working in a fairly upscale part of town, and considering how close our store is to a lot of nightclubs and bars, I get to see a lot of new and interesting fashions. The most notable one tonight was a black and silver sequined hoodie being worn with a pair of mesh ” I dream of Jeanie” parachute type pants. Most of the time an outfit like that really wouldn’t phase me, but when it comes in wrapped around a 6′2″ 250 pound man, that’s just a little different. (this was only made worse by the fact I found his stockings later while cleaning the video arcade up.

Since the store doesn’t really have a stated dress code we really can’t throw people out for wearing none gender intended or specific clothing. As long as everything important is covered up. But! we do have a very strict “underwear go inside the pants” policy. Anytime we see underwear without asking to be shown them we typically eject the offending party out.

Most places you would assume that a policy that like would be implied and rarely have to be enforced. Unfortunately we have to enforce ours on an extremely regular and honestly disturbing basis. The most recent time that comes to mind involved a fairly plain looking and quiet girl coming into the shop. She spent a few minutes browsing the aisles before wandering off to our restroom. A few minutes later she emerges from the restroom and walks back towards the video arcade. Since neither my partner or I were paying any real amount of attention to her we both had to think about what we had just seen and what might be wrong with it. After a few moments of silence everything clicked together. She wasn’t wearing any pants when she walked by! My co-worker quickly runs to the arcade to confirm and rectify this issue. Once he confirmed it he politely asked her to leave. The transformation from quiet half naked little girl to snarling angry half naked hellcat was instant. She cursed and screamed bloody murder the entire way out of the store.

Needless to say she never got her pants back.

On an unrelated note, my boss walked in and asked my on the security camera does it show me leaning against the door talking to someone and then running to the restroom yelling. In response I told him while talking I realized that my hand had been resting in someone’s semen that was stuck to our door. Ewwwwwww, I still shudder when I think about that one. If you ever see me in person I will show you the scar from the staph infection I got from that.

Top Ten

10. Condoms with various bodily fluids on them.
extremely common, as a matter of fact I think I found 4 or five tonight.

9. Various fruits and veggies.
cucumbers aren’t just for the ladies you know.

8.Even numbered articles of clothing.
things like a pair of socks or stockings, this means some people leave without their socks, this one baffles me.

7. Porn and receipts from other stores.
what, ours isn’t good enough for them?

6. Random sex toys and packaging.
I can understand wearing a new pair of shoes home, but a butt plug?

5. Odd numbered articles of clothing
only finding one sock baffles me even more.

4. Bibles.
I find the little tiny travel Gideon’s bibles from time to time. A little light reading before sodomy? Or making sure you got all the major sins out of the way at once?

3. Home made sex toys.
people get inventive when they are horny, a few of my favorites were the condom full of expanding sealant foam or the soap carved into a butt plug or the mini wine bottle with a condom on it.

2. Kitchen utensils.
If I had only ever found just one spatula it wouldn’t be so bad.

1. Weird combinations of household items
when I found the last spatula I also found a rubber glove and a empty honey bear container.

The weirdest things I ever found were all in one booth; a women’s razor, two pairs of underwear,one sock, several used and un-used condoms, salad dressing, and mardi-gras beads. Curiosity has the better of me, I really want to know what went down to leave that kinda mess.

Dedication to your art

So my general hatred for people is a pretty common theme, It just so happens to be part of the reason StupidHurts got it’s name. Some things tend to make that hatred a lot more obvious.

Typically I can ignore customers in general, but there are a few who just really rub me the wrong way. Today it was mister, “So do you think my girlfriend is hot?” As a matter of fact I don’t, but not without reasons. lets review them:
A) She looks like every other chick I see in porn movies all night. While she is busy fighting with one hand to keep her new tits in her shirt, her other hand is engaged in keeping her pants up over her none existent ass.
B) Judging from your stylish Hawaiian shirt, and the amount of money you just handed the polite but misanthropic porn-store clerk, I would assume you are paying for your “girlfriends” services. And by judging from her nails, she can’t type or preform any service I would find useful in a kitchen or under a hood.
C) And the last time I saw a girl with a rash like that on her arm, it belonged to a Thai hooker on a three week coke and battery acid bender.
But that’s just how I feel, I could be wrong, but I doubt it

Another group of people who irritate me, are the people who come up to the cash register with a noticeable amount of lube on one or both of their hands. I absolutely cannot deal with random lube. It is not the presence of the lube itself, but the fact that it always implies the presence of some other bodily fluid. Be it semen, fecal matter, or something much worse. Lube almost always means something recently went down that my life would just be easier not knowing about. It is funny how people get huffy because I will not accept money from them with lube on it, or worse when I hand them cleaners to clean lube off of a dvd before I check them in. I am sure they would not except anything from me with my blood on it.

A comforting thought is the fact, no matter how bad my hatred may be for the human race may be, there are people who are a lot worse. One of my co-workers has been politely asked by the police to quit pepper spraying so many people. My favorite was the time, he attempted to pepper spray someone, but the can was empty from the last guy he got, so he runs behind the counter and grabs another bottle, chases the guy out into the parking lot, trips the man up and then pepper sprays him. That’s dedication to your art.

Is that lipstick on your collar?

In my line of work certain stains become instantly recognizable. I was sitting around at 3 in the morning thinking about the fact nothing worth adding to my blog has happened recently. When a guy walks up to the counter to ask for change. As I am counting his money I look him over to see if I need to be aware of anything. When I notice an incriminating stain on his collar. Now had this been lipstick it probably would not have stood out all that much to me, but the fact it was semen on his collar and the more on his shoulder. It made me wonder if I should tell him about himself……….nah, considering the presence of a wedding ring, it would be a lot more fun for the wife to see it.

I saw the best porn title ever last night. “Hey, grandma is a whore 6″. Now the only reason I find that amusing is the fact it implies there are at least 5 other movies with the same title, which means it there are a lot of grandmas out there spreading for cash…not my thing but epic win.

On a side note I find I talk without thinking sometimes, but I realize a lot of people talk with out listening. A customer came in at about 4 in the morning and asked; “so why do you like working the night shift.” My response escaped my lips before I chance to think about where I was. “It is because i really hate talking to people and we get a lot less people in here at night.” Only after speaking did I realize my response could be taken as rudeness. But then he proceeds to tell me his life entire story, about his job and about his family and his truck. Maybe it is just me, but when someone reveals they have anti-social tendencies, it would be a hint to leave them alone and just walk away.

Screwing with the new guy

One of the highlights of my job is screwing with the new guy, honestly I think it is one of the best parts sometimes. The current new guy is really a nice guy, but sometimes he is a little to nice for his own good, but don’t worry that won’t last long.

We were standing around the counter one night, and he leans over and ask me, “why do you get to see all of the cool shit?” “I want to have great stories to tell.” I kinda just shrugged the question off, because when you ask for things like that at our store, without fail something weird happens. This time that something weird walked into the store in high heels. It was about 4 am so the presence of two lone females struck me as kinda odd, but I couldn’t place just what was out of place yet. So as they browse the store I observe them trying my best to figure out what was off. Finally everything clicks into place. Once it does I walk to the back and find the new guy and ask him to stick his head up front and tell me what he thinks. He pulls me aside to tell me; “dude, that’s the hottest ass I have seen on a girl all day,” which considering part of our job is to watch porn, that’s saying a lot. The look on his face was priceless when I leaned over to tell him, “to bad that’s a dude”

no!
yeah,
NO!
dude,
dude?

So I tell him to ask for her I.d. if he doesn’t believe me. Turns out her name was Wayne, and she doesn’t look nearly as cute with a mustache. He didn’t talk to me for a few hours. But amusement at the expense of others always makes me happy.

The legendary frozen toy story.

This event actually occurred several years ago and I have been meaning to type it up for a long time now.

So I have a friend who is a mechanical genius. If I need something drawn out, blown up, or burned down, he is generally the person to call. Unfortunately no matter how smart he may be, he does some amazingly stupid things sometimes.

Once a while back he was at home in the middle of the day baking chocolate chip cookie as a surprise for his wife who was on her way home from work. After removing the still hot cookies from the oven he proceeds to pop one directly into his mouth and chew. There was that moment of pure bliss that one gets when you bite into a warm cookie, but it was quickly followed by a blood curdling yell as 300 some odd degree molten chocolate hits his tongue turning his mouth into a mini Pompeii.

In a blind agony he dropped the pan of cookies onto the floor and ran directly to his freezer to threw to door open to look for something to end the burning in his mouth.

*POP*

He popped in the first thing he saw. An aluminum butt-plug that he had recently turned and polished on his lathe and was in the freezer to cool. To give this next part of this story weight, you have to have seen the movie “A Christmas Story.” Cold aluminum sticks to bare moist skin, especially tongues.
And so the comedy begins. This is the exact moment his wife walks into her kitchen to see cookies all over the floor, the freezer open and her husbands muffled cries, wild gestures, and well a butt-plug in his mouth. In a stunning moment on compassion she did what most wives would have done and yanked the plug and most of his tongue out, before kissing him on the forehead and calling him a dumb ass.